Two buildings Not built to shift or sift with wind Nor withstand a 767 at 440 mph Oh you symbols! A phallus High up in the air Watching the world Supporting chants of: USA USA USA Making your claim to own own own YOU DO NOT DO! YOU DO NOT DO! I’m sorry! YOUR ALARM IS NOT WORKING! You try to call 911 It is off the hook. It is burning It can not stand this hot stuff. You did not plan for an air attack Did it go? It can not It was always viagrially up Constantly fucking for world domination Down boy! Down boy! Down boy! A small dog acting as a big dog With your habit of taking in all that H20 And giving back only CO2 How could you? Why no guilt about it? A child would know!
This can not go on! Not jumping for joy Wanting to fall first It is all falling down Watch it fall. Oh baby, Watch it all fall. Killing 2 752 worlds It’s not right But do not say it is unfair 10 000 gallons was just a drop in that Atlantic fury Killing Millions with napalm and atom bombs Atoms split crush burn fall. For so long: Sold at 9:59 Sold at 10:28 Good Buy invincibility. Good Buy. Communication through bombs Acid rain Daddy is starting his 4th of July parading But do us a favour And cut him off from Washington.
An exercise in writing a text without the letter "E" in it ♥
When being met by hatred in large proportions you are forced to remember what really is important in life. It is the small gift amongst all the bullshit. Take what you can take from the situation, remember to know yourself, proceed with great caution in raising the stakes (rarely recommended, but things are not black or white), learn and grow in the ways you can learn and grow from the experience, and dump the rest off at the roadside.
All of us who have trouble shutting up about things are gonna get massively hated upon several times in our life time... Unfourtanetely we have to get used to it - thin-skinned or not, we gotta brace ourselves.
I also do not believe in hating people. Sure I've said "I hate so and so" several times, but I mean it is as a metaphor. Don't get me wrong I'm not some hippie or christian who is all moralistic and like "hating is wrooong". I do believe in hating certain actions, or certain opinions or certain institutions - for example the military, cuz I don't believe the military ever can become good. With human beings however I want to believe that everybody can learn from their mistakes and mishaps and "become good" (whatever good means). I also do not believe that people should be defined or judged solely by their mistakes and mishaps, even though some of these mishaps ofcourse are more serious than others.All of this is also relevant for many radical activist spaces I've been in - too often too eager to point the finger, analyze things in black or white-way, and have a knee-jerk reaction. There is too little reflection and the politics suffer from it and utopia drifts far away.
"Because we, as femmes, refuse to be objectified or ignored. Because we refuse to accept a society or a community that says that masculine=good, serious, strong, superior and femme=bad, stupid, weak, submissive. As queerfemme-inists we challenge a system that blindly ordains power to masculine attitudes and attributes."
Som ni som följt den här bloggen ett tag redan vet så hamnar jag ibland i extrema CR-CR-CR-CR-CREATIVE HIGH'S =). Och då skriver jag ett sånt där skitlångt episkt blogginlägg, som spretar åt alla håll och kanter och innehåller länkar och klipp till allt möjligt intressant. En sådan period är jag inne i just nu. Men jag lovar att jag använder min kreativitet till mer än bara blogginlägg just nu: Arbetar med en performance vid namn "FEMME FAGGOT WHORE FROM HELL" som jag ska köra i Stockholm och Berlin i mars, om någon vecka kommer en artikel om sexarbetares rättigheter att publiceras, jag arbetar på en artikel om sexuella trakasserier mot femmes i allmänhet och manligt könade femmes i synnerhet, har börjat en skrivarkurs och sist men inte minst spelar jag och Therese idag in en "Shit people say to femmes"-video =).
My heart is weak, receptive to everything, but my will is strong and overcomes it all.
I could not sustain any self-destructive habit for long, I hurt too much everytime I run myself over, I wouldn't last long.
The mask of restraint never quite fit well and than one day it fell off and shattered into a million pieces and I knew from that day forward that it would not be easy because the meeting between realness and reality is not meant to be.
When I'm femmed up it doesn't matter if I go to the boys or the girls room, people stare at me anyways.
Being hit by a wall hurts ten times more than actually being hit. Especially for sensitive bitches who don’t know the meaning of the word Aloof or Ignore. If the path to happiness includes being aloof and ignoring all kinds of stuff than count me out. Imma find another way.
Alice Walker - Possessing the secret of joy begins with "When the axe came into the forest, the trees said the handle is one of us" ends with "RESISTANCE IS THE SECRET OF JOY! it says in huge block letters. There is a roar as if the world cracked open and I flew inside. I am no more. And satisfied"
I’ve always been more of a fighter than a person who lays back relaxes and enjoys life. I think it’s a good priority, however the problem is that the last year I haven’t allowed myself to just lay back and relax and enjoy life for like even a second – everything had to have a purpose.
Oh Cinderella, they aren’t whores like me!.....
I have more in common with many people who don’t define as feminists than I do with big fans of second wave-feminist theory. Why?: Transphobia, protecting the gender binary/anti-queer, anti-femme, stigmatization of sex workers, against all porn, turning a blind eye to other power dynamics (especially racism), robbing women of their agency (especially in the debate on rape) etc. etc. etc.
(I wrote this for Valerie Solanas facebook-page): When I said that Sex is a hang-up I didn't mean that Sex is bad. I meant that it's fucked up that we live in a society where we learn that the only place where we can be truly free and uninhibited is in bed, when we could be skirting with uninhibition, freedom, ecstacy and euphoria in so many places, dancing half-naked on tables not caring who the fuck is watching, thrashing around to riot grrrl-music, screaming our lungs out, singing our lungs out, making art, taking over the stage, performing our asses off, enjoying the experience of emotional catharcis, breaking down, breaking furniture, breaking norms, breaking borders, burning all the shit we don't need, throwing big rocks at things we don't want (big banks, big boys, big cars, big shops etc.) writing and saying exactly what is going on inside, laughing till we cry and crying till we laugh, causing revolutionary trouble all the time everywhere, breaking bottles, grooving, shaking people up so they won't be half-dead, letting go of fear and shame, creating, loving, being completely open to ourselves and to others, AND fucking like there's no tomorrow. It's when fucking becomes the obsession numero uno, our big hang-up, that we become non-creative idiotic dullards, duuuuh, I'm not some fucking Jesus daddies girl!
Once when a masculine guy tried to hit on me I said "Sorry, I’m only with other femmes". It is not even true, cuz that would be kinda closed-minded. But I am so tired of masculinity roles and the expectation that I as a femme should get off on masculinity…
RAGE ON:
And today "Shit people say to femmes" is being recorded ♥ Hardest part for me - pretending to be butch, which is not the same as pretending to be strong, I've been a strong femme since I was ten thank you very much ♥
DON'T FUCK WITH FEMMES FELLAS! THIS AIN'T OUR FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO!! AND also, being weak is far from always a negative!!!!!
One of the worst movies ever with one of the funniest title tracks "So wipe that smile off your face, you better watch out for the straights"
HOPE, LIGHT: Tahrir Square overflowing into Kasr El Nil Bridge, Maspero, and all other adjacent areas Millions in Tahrir Square now.
Darkness, despair, global capitalism, priviledge, it's all gotta change, it's all gonna change.
O'Sanity - Yoko Ono. Discovered this nice little song thanks to the film "Don't need you - a herstory of riot grrrl"
Anger and anxiety Why do you let it affect you? Over-sensitive little bitch! Why do you not just embrace it? They are attracted to you This is not a bad thing But what does this attraction bring Power? I am not naive They have no interest in my mind. They prefer it hollow Also the emotional sensitivity must exit I am not a whole person. It is only my body they want And if they have me cornered They will not hestitate to take take take take take It is not fear I feel No fear shall not come around here To wrap me in its paralyzing sheet It wants to create a ghost out of me It shall not succeed Clearly you do not see That i belong to me And the politeness is a distant memory It is not you I want to open up to The life of the lioness yelling at the lion She is tired of doing all the work And it is only for work that I would allow this! But he doesn't feel my resistance He gropes without asking And I open my mouth to shout Replaying a tiring story Seemingly it has no end But one day I will be 34 And the gaze The groping hands Will be no more You are addicted You are going to miss it Take it as a compliment! I know you like the attention Another pretty femme with a so-called problem He just does it cuz he likes you He likes me He likes me He likes me I am empty But he likes me.
PS En till fantastisk och snart spelar jag och Therese in en "Shit they say to femmes":
Most white straight cis-male philosophers are overrated, but Albert Camus actually isn't. Read these quotes, they might just change your life a little bit ;-)
“To feel absolutely right is the beginning of the end.”
Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence and an appeal to the essence of being.
Humans must live and create. Live to the point of tears.
Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.
The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.
The modern mind is in complete disarray. Knowledge has stretched itself to the point where neither the world nor our intelligence can find any foot-hold. It is a fact that we are suffering from nihilism.
The myth of unlimited production brings war in its train as inevitably as clouds announce a storm.
The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind.
The only real progress lies in learning to be wrong all alone.
The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.
The society based on production is only productive, not creative.
The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a person’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.
To assert in any case that a man must be absolutely cut off from society because he is absolutely evil amounts to saying that society is absolutely good, and no-one in his right mind will believe this today.
To correct a natural indifference I was placed half-way between misery and the sun. Misery kept me from believing that all was well under the sun, and the sun taught me that history wasn't everything.
Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
Your successes and happiness are forgiven you only if you generously consent to share them.
Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies.
Without culture, and the relative freedom it implies, society, even when perfect, is but a jungle. This is why any authentic creation is a gift to the future.
I övrigt ber jag om ursäkt för att min blogg på senare tid efterliknat min facebook-feed så mycket. DOCK kommer det snart en dikt som heter "Another day with the male gaze". Annars sammanfattar mina senaste statusuppdateringar en hel del tankegångar jag haft på sistone: ----------------- Planning an article on sexual harassment/groping/touching up of "male-bodied" femme's with focus on queer and gay spaces. I'z sick'n'tired of this shit and of getting my anger out by yelling at and lecturing individual men, when this issue is in deep and dire need of a structural manifesto! FEMME RIOT!!!!! ----------------- The fight for revolution is always ongoing and must be open to every state of being, feeling and doing in the inner and outer worlds - all the darkness and all the light and all the shades of grey in between. Do not lock an emotion up. Do not fear facing the darkness in the world. You need to face it to fight it, but do not be consumed by it (cuz that leaves you only two alternatives - death or cynicism) - and at the same time don't be blind and only choose to see the light and selfishly bask in that priviledge. And remember that everything is not black or white (or even grey!!!), but let red - the color of flames, the color of our heart, our blood, our passion, our lips - in first. ---------------- Thrashing and parading around to Riot Grrrl wearing only underpants and stilettos and than pouring red wine over my whole body and than slamming my body down and winding it all around on the floor to spice girls=YES, YES, YES I would say it was a good night ♥ ---------------- "Madonna does her yoga for the buffness, I do it so I can handle my crazies" - Courtney Love. And I second that, just did yoga in the bath-tub for an hour and feel calmer than I have since August. Will do this regularly, and the crazy I was last night was the free, ecstatic, productive, ready for revolution-kind not the dark kind that gets me into trouble and impressive lows of emotional distress. My self is recovered, not dissolved ♥ Now time for political documentaries! IT'S SATURDAY!!!! --------------- Many good points in this article "How liberated are we?: Questioning Queer hook-up culture". This isn't about being sex-negative or saying that hooking up is bad - it's just criticizing certain structures regarding sexuality in queer circles - objectifying and/or de-humanizing people you hook up with etc.: "Many of the politics we spend so much of our time and effort trying to initiate in the world seem to vanish when it comes to sex. Hooking up in radical communities, I have found, is still run through with off-balance power dynamics, machismo and hierarchy."
De-humanizing as in even if the meeting is only for sex - there has to be consent about that that is all it's about AND you still have to be aware that the person you're having sex with is a whole human being. Otherwise we start mistreating each other in really un-radical ways. I'm totally not a saint here, I've experienced both sides of this type of behaviour plenty of times in the past but I don't want to be a part of it anymore.
"We turned the lens toward ourselves as a way to exhibit how rampant transmasculine-centrism, radical queer snobbery/jargon and extreme anti-lesbian sentiment show up in young white 'radical queer' communities. Let's continue to build inclusive communities of resistance while remembering our many herstories!"
This one's great, even challenges heteronormativity in the narrative of rape, however as a survivor of sexual assaults who is very vocal about it and has heard hundreds of responses I do wish they had added some more patronizing sympathy comments, i.e. situations where you end up having to hug the sobbing person you just told about it because they feel sooo sorry for you. Believe me, at times those responses can be much harder to handle.
SÅ: text om död + Born Bad = Born to Die... tihihi. Jag är van vid att mina performances är explosiva, men den här texten är supersuper introvert så ALL karisma måste komma från ögonen, vilket innebär att jag satsar på Lana del rey's intensiva blick på tronen med de två tigrarna ♥
Nina Simone säger så himla mycket viktigt i det här klippet. Detta är liksom exakt vad jag känner att jag vill med mitt liv, min politik, mitt skrivande, mina performances:
Hon levde på en så högt utvecklad emotionell nivå och är ett av de bästa exemplen på någon som har använt konst och musik som ett redskap för politisk aktivism, särskilt antirasism och feminism:
PS New word of the day "Machist", rhymes with "Fascist" and describes the rule of the macho.
Soldater från USA i Afghanistan. Det blir inte mycket mörkare än så här. Hur är det ens möjligt för en människa att göra så här? Vad är det som händer i soldaternas hjärnor medan de gör det?
"En transsexuell kan vilja att man kallar honom för kvinna, utan att ha någon som helst insikt i kvinnosaken" - Kajsa Ekis Ekman i Varat och Varan.
Alltså. Så mysigt. Varför blir inte fler människor arga på det här uttalandet? Det säger rätt mycket om hennes ideologiska utgångspunkt. Och nu tycker jag om Kajsa Ekis Ekman ännu mindre. Alltså vilken dundertransfob, som inte fattar sina cis-privilegier över huvud taget och absolut inte respekterar vilket pronomen en transkvinna vill använda, nejnej, Kajsa Ekis tar sig rätten att kalla transkvinnor för "honom".
Och om hon med kvinnosaken menar rent politiskt så har hon naturligtvis rätt, men varför peka ut just transkvinnor när detta ju förstås gäller även för cis-kvinnor. Bara för att en tillhör en grupp behöver en inte ha politiska insikter...
#KAJSA EKIS EKMAN YTTERLIGARE EN CIS-PERSON MED NOLL INSIKT OM TRANSFRÅGOR ELLER HUR DET ÄR ATT VARA TRANSPERSON SOM ÄNDÅ SKA HÅLLA PÅ OCH UTTALA SIG #GAMMAL TRANSFOBISK 70-TALSFEMINISM SOM BORDE KASTATS I DEN IDEOLOGISKA SOPKORGEN FÖR... JUST DET... 40 ÅR SEDAN!!!
Alltså, när människor konfronteras med vart kött egentligen kommer ifrån så blir det så här:
High femme with an empowering guttural voice ♥ I WANNA SING ALONG ALL DAY LONG! This is PJ Harvey when she had just gone from butch to super femme Drag Queen-style. PJ Harvey is a master of everything. Everyone was born naked and the rest is just drag and everytime I hear "Meet Ze Monsta" I just wanna take all my clothes off and dance on a table:
A fantastical femme-rant and also the best description of me ever in song:
"The one person who really knows me best, says I'm like a cat, yeah the kind of cat you can't just pick up and throw into your lap... And now I am prowling through the backyard and I am hiding under the car, I've gotten out of everything I've gotten into so far. I eat when I am hungry and I travel alone, outside the glow of the house is where I feel the most at home, but in the window you sometimes appear and your music is faint in my ears"
Jag älskar hur de här klippen synliggör diskriminering i vardagen genom språk och attityder - Och det är detta som är hegemoni. För en vecka sedan såg jag Shit white girls...say to black girls och postade det här på bloggen och sedan dess har det kommit flera andra klipp:
And here's a song about shit people say to gender variants:
Förra helgen hade Vänsterpartiet kongress. De tog väldigt många bra beslut - satsa mer på klimatfrågan, prioritera 6 timmars arbetsdag, intern partiskatt, rotationsprincip om max 3 mandatperioder i riksdagen . Min favorit är dock att de vill förbjuda bemanningsföretagen.
Ghastly Place! I will never come back here again! I have climbed this hill for the last time! Why return to the memories of someone big Picking on someone small? I do not do I do not do All my travelling backwards! The storm the drama They have a home in me I am not elevator music! Neither will I ever be Contained or restrained Which just may mean I am also broken Split into a few distinct selves All of them outsiders.
The Black swan believes in love And sees resistance as the secret of joy A 2012 new year revolution Is her only new years resolution Oh all the love, the compassion, the anger, the affection, the happiness, the humour, the hope, the solidarity, the exaltation That lives inside of her Does it not astound you? When the black widow takes over. Filled with Contempt for people who listen to Amy Winehouse & Nina Simone like it was background music! Corpses! Corpses! Corpses! Hiding behind your one-dimensional masks! We are not from the same emotional galaxy! Only Diamanda Galas is good enough for me! It all turns dark and apocalyptical Driven forward by stubborn bitter spite against everything that hurts me and the world She does not prefer to slit her wrists She’d rather kick a telephone booth to the ground It’s only when it’s completely demolished That she may be so high on the violence To use the broken glass to harm herself The energy and adrenaline is always enough to keep on going. Wearing my everything on my sleeve. And the next day I mop up my blood from the floor like nothing happened Thank god I don’t have carpets. For what it's worth - sylvia plath & I soulmates alone naked in the pouring the rain...
What at the top of the rollercoaster is a black swan Turns to a black widow down at the bottom Black red – Same colors Both outsiders One tackles it with love The other with hate In the shadow at the bottom The black widow is hungry And swallows my men whole Without even tasting them first.
You think I’m cute That’s what lured you in But my personality is just too big And the fact that I don’t apologize for it Unacceptable I always thought that my personality was 1 million times more interesting than my looks and radiating first impression None of the boys I’ve dated have agreed I scare boys If it was an olympic sport. I’d be a fierce contender for the gold medal Me – neck and neck with Fiona Apple and Courtney Love Us sewer rats We always manage to survive.
All you want is the fuck and the fun And even that in the light not the dark But if that includes me showing you my scars You just turn away Cuz that was not a fun way to play We like our ”other woman” simple and sexy. So, Oh Baby, you love my wild-side And nevermind the complexities that it brings with it It was just more than you bargained for So drop me off on the roadside Drop me off on the roadside
And when I say I don’t fear psychological violence – it’s because I’m too smart And when I say I don’t fear sexual violence – it’s because I’ve been through so much of it so what is left to fear? And when I say I do fear physical violence – it’s because at the end of the day I want to live and not die
I’m intense enought without this With it my head is a zoo So I retell myself to devote my life to art, revolution and creativity I look at PJ Harvey and pluck my latest obsession from my chest It is for the best They all want me served on a silver platter And I am a real dirty dish But it’s okay Cuz it’s inside of my own heart that I have a home and I love my heart and it’s zesty passion and it’s fiery red walls and it’s ways of raising hell all over town Riding the roller-coaster Putting all their bourgeouise rules to waste Even though you always seem to be too much I know all you are is free and real It is you who gives me the strength to stand up to a policeman and say ”talk to the hand” (Every cop is a criminal and all us sinners are saints) At the end of the day I know that the real reason that I’ve never really searched for true love is because I’ve already found it. The black swan The black widow The black cat The black sheep The black beauty. The lolita and the tough guy who get along fine when listening to riot grrrl together The tragedy the triumph the happiness the anger the sadness – everything right there on the sleeve. It is never anything but pretty from afar Like a dark star. And the love. What did it bring? An open wound! An infection! Marble heavy. But even the most irrational heart Survives the steepest rollercoaster If it has the strongest will.
PS Ani Difranco has an album out the 17th. And Lana del rey the 30th. Good month for musica!!!!
En annan bra sak är den här konserten med Courtney Love's band Hole. Disaster? Va? Dom fattar inte. "Every cop is a criminal and all you sinners saints. You can just call me COURTNEY. I'm in need of NO RESTRAINT. So if you meet me have some courtesy, have some sympathy, have som taste, use all your well-learned politesse, I'LL LAY YOUR BOURGEOUISE RULES TO WASTE!!!! Courtney you are my Ms. Puta" Jag gjorde fyra perfekt formade hål i ett bord när jag ställde upp mitt ben på dem i röda högklackade skor, medelst sång, head-bangande, ur kontroll dans till Hole's Skinny Little Bitch. FUCK, de här klackarna är de bästa vapnen i hela vida vilda världen. #KillerHeels=ALiteralTerm.
Den här är också så jävla välgjord och fantastisk och sann.
Och den här videon. Alla har sett den, MEN jag vill att ni tar er tiden att studera alla hennes rörelser. Hennes kroppspråk är så butch och hon bara utstrålar så mycket självförtroende, kaxighet, kontroll, nonchalans. Och texten är så "vad som komma skall" och det spann ur kontroll - men det här var en sida av Amy som många inte tänker på och det var en av många saker som jag förälskade mig i.
A very strong kitty purring softly while well aware of its own fangs. A femme lionness. It makes no difference if you are femme or masculine People should be well aware that underneath whatever attributes lies a lion And that lions are not to be fucked with. Even the most macho cis-guy isn’t busy trying to decide if it’s a female, male or tranny lion Cuz he knows it’s a lion so he better run for his life.
The day before new years-eve I watched a movie that reflected and mirrored some of my emotions more than most any film I've ever seen. Melancholia.
Justine ♥... The way she panics about her wedding, but is calm about the apocalypse. This is one of the best movies I've ever seen and Justine's way of reacting at the wedding, never before has a film mirrored so well the way I almost always end up feeling at these grand social events where everyone is expected to wear a happy and dignified mask and make proper small talk and smile and laugh, but not too loud. I always end up either wandering off alone or locking myself in the bathroom and staring blankly at myself in the mirror. Looking inwards instead of smiling outwards. Sometimes crying. Just like Justine in this movie. The first time I got a muscle-ache in my smiling muscles was at my graduation - it was no fun, the only thing that felt real and personal was my mother's speech. The rest. It's like it never happened. Because the rest wasn't real, it was just masks.
I love how the movie makes you think what the fuck is wrong with this girl, she is throwing everything away, and in the end she is the sanest one.
Also this reminds me of being spokesperson for Grön Ungdom (especially when she loses her temper and leaves her job at the advertisement agency - and the way she leaves and "throws away her successful career" reminds me the way I felt when I left parliamentary politics, say goodbye to the systems version of what success is). How everything in Miljöpartiet was supposed to be correct and within the boundaries. But I never was. And I tried to keep a straight face about it all, but than one day the mask just broke and I couldn't do it anymore. Besides my political reasons for leaving parliamentary politics (and there are many of them), I also in the long run could never be emotionally balanced and composed enough to do it. And the less I try the closer I get to myself. In parliamentary politics you are taught to DO and not to reflect, to be constructive all the time and never feel. I am a reflective human being and extremely emotional and sensitive - my personality type is the very last one that works well in a world that revolves around representation and putting on a mask of control and composure. And my hope for the world is that no one will ever be forced to play controlled and composed - but it is what capitalism and patriarchy are based upon.
Than again sometimes I feel like it's just me, living on a different emotional planet than most people. It disturbs me when people listen to Amy Winehouse like it was background music. Some people do that with Nina Simone as well. I can't understand them. I often feel that way. Amy and Nina - two emotional beings with no masks and than Nina yells at her audience "IT'S AS IF I AM PLAYING TO CORPSES".
Melancholia made me also realize som things. When it comes to music and literature 2012 will have to have a bit more Ani Difranco, Alice Walker, bell hooks, julie ruin = politics, anger, humor, love, analysis of power dynamics, hope instead of 2011 where I've focused on PJ Harvey, Elfriede Jelinek, Sylvia Plath, Amy Winehouse and Diamanda Galas = GREAT for creativity and my art, I love them and it feeds an important part of me so I'm not saying goodbye, but when it is my main/only source of inspiration everything turns dark and apocalyptical and I find my self sad, angry and almost constantly driven by stubborn bitter spite against everything that hurts me and the world. Shadows are nice, but you gotta be able to see the light in order to appreciate the beauty of the shadows and in order to keep focused on what the goal is here - what we're aiming for. What we will reach. "I fight with love and I laugh with rage - you gotta live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change". The emotions of melancholy, apocalypse etc will always be a part of who I am, but I do not want them to be the emotions that define my being. ♥
I want 2012 to be about "it's better to rise than fade away". About not being able to decide between if I want to be a lolita or a tough guy. So when I listen to Ani Difranco I dance kinda like I'm 50 cent/Jay Z (don't ask me why, it comes natural) and than in the rare event that I listen 50 cent/Jay Z I dance like his background dancers. AND THAN I LISTEN TO RIOT GRRRL AND BOTH THE LOLITA AND THE TOUGH GUYS HEADS EXPLODE AND ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE ♥ =)
And most of all I want it to be about this:
"JUST AS EVERY COP IS A CRIMINAL and all you sinners saints. You can just call me ALVINA - I'm in need of no restraints. So if you meet me have some sympathy, have som courtesy, have som taste, take all your well-learned politeness, I'LL LAY ALL YOUR BOURGEOUISE RULES TO WASTE!!!!"
♥
I must continue reflecting, but I must not poison myself with it.
Apparently a new catch-phrase has found it's way into the slang dictionary Pretty Girl With Problems (PGWP). And I am Pretty Pissed. And I am a Pretty Femme With Problems. And equating that with being a spoiled brat and creating your own self destructive situations is Pretty Stupid and Very Problematic. This Pretty Femme has a Big Problem with the loads of articles about Lana Del Rey that comment on her conventionally attractive appearance and try to discredit her because of it. The latest in this string of articles is this one "Lana del Rey: Another Pretty Girl With Problems", I'm not gonna analyze the details of the article, cuz that's not my point. My point is to criticize a hypocritical patriarchal society that even creates a phrase called "Pretty Girl With Problems".
First things first. I am a pretty femme genderqueer, this is often times, but not always, equated with being a pretty girl. Sometimes being a pretty femme genderqueer who is male-bodied makes me more oppressed than a pretty cis-girl, sometimes it makes me more priviledged. It's not simple. What I would say however is that the term pretty girl is basically reserved for femmes. Butches may be hot, sexy and what not - but they never, or almost never, get reduced to the pretty girl stereotype that femmes of all genders risk getting reduced to.
And here's where the problems BEGIN. Patriarchal society tells us that women get their main worth from being pretty. So with a patriarchal logic you would think that pretty girls have no problems, cuz they've fulfilled their obligation, the meaning of their life - to be pretty. WHAT MORE COULD THEY WANT??!! One may wonder. And I would answer. For one: We would like to be treated as whole people. If you're conventionally pretty you can't have any problems. If you're sexy, you must be a bimbo etc. etc. This is all bullshit. And when people use these arguments as feminist arguments. I WANT TO KILL THEM. These people who think they are feminists come with bullshit arguments like, Adele=good and talented, cuz she's not conventionally beautiful, Lana del Rey=Bad, she seems talented, but she would have never gotten so far without being conventionally beautiful. And once again what they are doing IS REDUCING WOMEN TO THEIR LOOKS. AND I WANT TO KILL THEM FOR IT!!! ;-) They are doing something very anti-feminist, that is not listening to what a woman has to say, but judging her solely for her looks. This is bad politics. Reallyreally BAD politics.
OF COURSE there is priviledge in being considered pretty, I understand that, you get more attention, you can get certain heads up, certain advantages - but there's two sides to it and there's always a boundary of how far you can go with your looks and when you've come to that boundary your looks start working against you instead of working for you. You start hearing that you would have never made it so far WITHOUT your looks or that you're only liked because of your looks. And this shit is exactly what is happening to Lana Del Rey right now.
Like several times I've performed for 70 minutes and poured my fucking heart out on the stage and thrown it at the audience and some people (not most, thankfully) have the nerve of only commenting on my appearance afterwords, like, "Wow, you're legs are amazing" or "You're so hot, I couldn't take my eyes off of you for the whole show". Am I supposed to take that as a compliment. Did you not listen to the words I've been saying, the political message I've been trying to get across for 70 minutes? Or do I need to hit you on the head with a baseball bat for it to come across?
But to get back to the whole issue of the phrase "Pretty Girls With Problems" (PGWR). For us femmes PRETTY is a backhanded priviledge chockfilled with backhanded compliments of objectification. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. I have been groped so many times, Strangers have yelled so many things to me that have made me feel like a piece of meat, I have almost been beat up by guys who have been rejected by me. Umm, duh that I'm on my guard when someone hits on me when I know that I am just one rejection away from risking getting beaten up. Cuz unfourtanetely us pretty femmes/girls hardly ever get hit on by people who actually respect us as whole people. YES, this is a real problem. It's called patriarchy. It's called sexual harrasment. It's called assault. It's called being reduced to our appearance - a piece of meat. It's not pretty. But it sure as hell is a problem.
And than we have the politicized queer world that often shames femmes for being "shallow" and "obsessed with our appearance", when it is they, who with that remark are being shallow and obsessed with appearance. Femme is a gender expression - a gender expression that can be VERY subversive and very empowering and extremely feminist. It is challenging masculinity as THE NORM, and if anything is feminist THAN THAT FUCKING IS. In the queer world a femme is usually either ignored or objectified and it takes a lot of hard work to get past these two categories. You gotta really show them what you're made of when it comes to intelligence and personality and charisma and activism to start hearing something other than how gorgeous, cute or sexy you are. I don't know how many times queers have told me "You are so sexy" and I've been like "Ohhh, guess what I'M SMART AND TOUGH TOOOOOO". I must say however that things are getting better, thanks to us femmes organizing ourselves, but things are not moving nearly fast enough.
And if us pretty femmes/girls have the NERVE of feeling pretty you better believe that we're gonna be shamed once again. People can actually say things like "You seem like you know you're hot" - as if that's a bad thing? As if it's a bad thing to feel comfortable in your own body. OK, it is bad if you treat it like it makes you better and more important as a person. And if you start judging other people by their appearances, but HELLO being comfortable in your own body is a good thing.
That's one of the things I liked about working as a stripper. There were loads of problematic structures, but atleast I didn't have to deal with all the fucking hypocrisy and atleast I never had to apologize for feeling comfortable about my body (And when it comes to lookism and body politics-believe me the modelling industry is 10 TIMES WORSE than the sex industry ever has been).
I've actually heard some people diss performance artists because "you can tell that he/she/they like their body". And it's like. Whatever. Why is that a negative thing? Sure if somebody has a body that happens to be viewed as conventionally hot, it may not be subversive in itself that they are proud of their body, but that doesn't make it negative, it is only fucking negative when it is used as a way to try to exert power over others=i.e. I have a right to show off my body, but you don't cuz your body is not conventionally beautiful. That is when it turns into lookism. It is also problematic to ride on your priviledge and not understand that if you have a conventionally good looking body the road to feeling comfortable in it may not be as tough as it is for others.
I don't like how being seen as pretty since I was 18 has changed my perception of myself. How it for a short period of time gave me an eating disorder. How it made me crave for people to tell me I'm pretty, even if I've always been critical to it and all it's normative beauty standards and THE UTTER BULLSHIT OF IT ALL. How it has me fearing getting older, cuz I'll lose the pretty power. However I'm also equally looking forward to it, and being seen just for what I am inside and not having to deal with being objectified or treated as just pretty. It will be exciting to not even have that as an issue in my life, but I will never forget how it is/was, and hopefully I won't miss it when it's gone. Lookism is fucking bullshit. And yes. Pretty girls and femmes have problems - both personal and structural and often times they are linked cuz the personal is political. There are two sides of the coin. As Ani Difranco sings
"God help you if you're an ugly girl, course too pretty is also your doom".
And last but not least let me quote that article I cited on Lana del Rey:
"It’s definitely different than Courtney Love‘s brand of badness.
The question of the day is: Does Lana Del Rey have any depth at all? Is her bad and insane persona “real”? Or is she just a marketing doll to sell records?"
SO. It kinda sums it all up doesn't it? If you're a pretty girl people will wonder if you have any depth at all - even if you write super emotional songs. They will also think you're fake. And of course just "a doll".
And when it comes to Courtney Love, perhaps my biggest idol of all time, I KNOW what she'd have to say about this shit. And all us femmes who have been objectified again and again stand up in unison and sing along with her "Suck me off, suck me off forever my friend".
And to quote some of my favorite lyrics from Lana Del Rey:
"I'm pretty from afar, like a dark star", "Money is the anthem of success, so before we go out what's your address? Money is the anthem, god you're so handsome, money is the anthem of success."
