Sex positivity and sex positive-culture have the potential to be extremely important and empowering spaces for healing from sexual assault. In a society that says that sexual assault means you can not have a positive sexuality for the rest of your life, sex positivity can offer a different pathway, an empowering pathway and break the taboos of opening up about the experience. When we start to talk about it we can start to heal and discuss the many different ways of handling it. But sex positive spaces in general have failed to be this type of space.
A big part of sex positivity is breaking taboos and shame around sexuality – being able to speak openly about sexual experiences, even the ones that are outside of the norm – BDSM, Group sex, anonymous sex etc. We can attend workshops where we can experiment with expanding our horizons and it is made clear that Consent is important and that it is ok to leave if you feel triggered etc. This makes the spaces safer. But there is something missing. In all the years I have been active in sex positive-culture I have never encountered a workshop for survivors of sexual assault, I’ve never heard a discussion on how sexual avversion and sexual compulsion are frequent coping mechanisms and how you can get out of it, I’ve never once encountered even a discussion at all on healing from sexual assault from a sex positive perspective. It’s so quiet about it, that it would make you think it never happened.. The experience is silenced and this means those survivors of sexual assault who have issues to work through (many of us) feel excluded, like ”The Other”, a freak among the freaks – less liberated, less sex positive – than those who seemingly have no issues. Who love BDSM, Group sex, anonymous sex and going to sex parties. But having negative sexual experiences does not make us sex negative. And instead of being inspired by being in sex positive-spaces I have often felt excluded, uncomfortable, stressed out, pressured, too complicated, boring, not sure-footed enough in my sexuality to be sexy, AND what is worse, that if I talked about why I felt this way, and was open about my experiences I would be raining on the parade, a party pooper – and that by being open about my experiences as a survivor of rape, assaults and so much sexual harrasment, I would make people afraid of starting a sexual relationship with me. It would be a turn off. And if one feels left-out as queer sexual assault survivor in a queer community, will you be able to find any community at all?
A few months ago I finally encountered the first (only?) books I’ve ever heard of that combine sexpositivity with discussions on sexual assault: ”King Kong-Theory” by Virginie Despentes AND especially ”Healing sex” by Staci Haines. While King Kong-Theory deals more with the right to be a noisy victim, Healing sex talks more about how sexuality, somatics and sex positivity can and should be an empowering part of healing from sexual assault. At the same time she addresses how sexual assault is not discussed in sex positive-spaces. The discussion is ”consent is important”, but it rarely goes any deeper than that. As much fantastic knowledge as there is on sexuality within sex positive-spaces, there is almost none on sexual assault. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that many people in the sex positive feminist community have supported Julian Assange, despite the existing feminist problem that women (and people of all genders really) are not believed when they say that they’ve been assaulted. Being a revolutionary computer hacker and being a rapist isn’t an anomaly.
My goal is for sex positive-spaces to become inclusive, inspirational and growing-in-your-own-tempo spaces, for survivors of sexual assault and, really, for everybody who feels they have a lot of healing to do in their sexuality. My goal is for sex positive feminism to provide a sanctuary for survivors who have been told that their life in general and especially their sexuality is over. My goal is for sex positive-spaces to expand the discussion of ”sex is not holy” to including a discussion on why sexual assault doesn’t mean your worth, your everything has been stolen from you. We have a lot of work to do. And we have to ask ourselves how we talk about sex, what assumptions are made and why we are talking about sex in the way we do.
We live in a capitalist society where we are taught to flaunt our successes and keep a happy face, while hiding our failures and negative experiences. Spend an hour scrolling through your facebook feed and you’ll understand we’re always busy reproducing this picture of us as happy and successful, making everyone feel further alone with their unhappiness and failures – although they are just as abundant as the successes – everyone just feels the dumb need to hide them… And in sex positive queerfeminist-spaces the discussions are usually: I love BDSM , I love group sex, I love sex parties, I love fisting - Not I’m insecure about my sexuality because I’ve been raped but I want to experiment slowly to find a path to healing and a space for sexuality to become an empowering and positive part of my life instead of one associated with pain and trauma. And to be truthful – while it’s lovely that people can be vocal about their love of fisting, BDSM etc. – when it’s the only way we’re discussing sex, sex positive culture turns into a very exclusive elitist place for the few. For those who are healing from trauma or from sex negative culture in general (and that is A LOT of us) it is more inspiring to hear about journeys. People who continually talk as if they’ve always just loved group sex and BDSM tend to instead make other people feel left out, boring or stressed-"why can't I be like them"? And if everyone is talking about how happy and healthy their sex life/drive is while you are dealing with triggers and dissociation and all kinds of issues - you may be happy for them (or understandably jealous and/or envious that things seem to come so easy for them), but the problem is you are not in a space that encourages you to make your voice heard.
Sex positive-culture must break taboos surrounding sexuality - when we are not talking about something it still resides in a place of shame. But to be honest, as much shame and taboos as there are surrounding BDSM and Anonymous sex, the shame and taboos surrounding sexual assault are larger and need to be worked on atleast as much in sex positive culture. Because right now everything BUT negative experiences are being discussed, when really there should be no taboos. I think that’s the road to a true sex positive world, instead of celebrating the positive experiences while putting a lid on the negative experiences. Openness and honesty always wins the race and one-dimensional must be replaced with multi-dimensional.
It is sometimes taken for granted that everybody already is, wants to become or has the same possibilities to have the sexual lifestyle that matches ”the sexpositive norm”, which means that the position of privilege works as the starting point. I would instead like to see a sex positive space where all experiences can come forth - the fears, the anxietys, the assaults, the overcomings, the pleasures, the exhilarations – the heights, the lows and most of all the depths. I want to hear more about journeys. I get much more inspired by hearing about somebodies journey to a sexuality that they are comfortable and thriving in – the hindrances, the assaults, the fears, the anxieties – The Realness that makes us human beings – it brings another depth to it – a depth that I much too often feel is lacking within sex positive spaces. It would mean that we would be creating a more mature, broadly political discussion and inclusive space in which sex positivity could flourish beyond where it is today – into a lair where we dare to expose ourselves to the beautiful power of vulnerability – and travel beyond ”the person who's fucked the most is the coolest”.
How often do we allow ourselves to be emotional and vulnerable in sex positive queer spaces? How often do we put our fears, emotions, negative experiences, neurosis etc. on display – or how often are we expected to just smile and uninhibitedly speak about our sexual escapades in a completely emotionally detached way - in order to be crowned the coolest most sex positive-queer? Why are we following the capitalist discourse of positive experiences=public, negative experiences=private?
And from there we have to start discussing common coping mechanisms, without essentializing and saying that every survivor of sexual assault has to go through the same processes. We have to discuss dissociation, triggers, PTSD – like how I once realized that I had an easier time relaxing and falling asleep beside someone who had basically tried to rape me than next to someone who I had sex with, because I was used to sex as trauma, but not sex as pleasure.
Sexual avversion is a common coping mechanism – and I’ve had a long period of that behind me – and it made me feel totally alienated and stressed in sex positive-spaces and I didn’t feel like I had a forum where I could discuss it. Sexual compulsion is just as common as a coping strategy, and I’ve had shorter periods of this as well. This isn’t discussed much in sex positive-spaces, instead sex is often discussed in terms of: ”Sex is fantastic, it’s fun, the more sex you have the better”. I understand why sex is being discussed in this way, because we live in a slut-shaming world, where having sex a lot and with a lot of people, especially if you are a woman, is seen as most definitely self-destructive. We must show that it doesn’t have to be that way, that it can be about opening up to desire and pleasure. But at the same time we can not deny that it can be that way. It’s common for survivors of sexual assault to go into a self-destructive and emotionally detached mode of compulsive sexuality where you see yourself as only good for one thing: Sex - not as a whole human being. After all, that was what the abusers message was to us. And since sex positive culture rarely discusses feelings around sex and tends more to just say that SEX IS FANTASTIC – we get a space where compulsive sexuality isn’t discussed or problematized, but instead easily can become something that is celebrated. We should never judge anybody’s sexual behaviour, but by having an open, multi-dimensional discussion on all the complex (especially complex for many survivors of sexual assault) different aspects of sexuality we can create an atmosphere where people can heal and get their anxieties of off their shoulders.
We need specific sex positive spaces and workshops for survivors of sexual assault. I think one of the reasons this hasn’t been happening is that many survivors of sexual assault haven’t felt that sex positive-spaces are welcoming spaces for talking about traumas and therefore just hasn’t been for us. I wrote this text because I strongly believe that sexpositivity that includes experiences and problems that many survivors of sexual assault have, has the potential to become a fantastic and welcoming place for sexual healing and empowerment, where survivors (And many other people!) feel that we get the support and inspiration we need in order to find a sexuality that feels good, life-affirming and positive for us – no matter if that means BDSM, fisting, anonymous sex, group sex, sex with a person we have a strong emotional connection with – or all or none of the above.
More info:
Healing Sex - Staci Haines
King Kong-Theory - Virginie Despentes
Tumblr-thread on being a sex positive rape survivor
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This text is part 2 in a 5 part series on my thoughts on how sex positive-queerfeminist spaces can become broader and deeper in their politics on sex/sexuality. Part 3 will be coming soon. Here is a list of the five parts:
A big part of sex positivity is breaking taboos and shame around sexuality – being able to speak openly about sexual experiences, even the ones that are outside of the norm – BDSM, Group sex, anonymous sex etc. We can attend workshops where we can experiment with expanding our horizons and it is made clear that Consent is important and that it is ok to leave if you feel triggered etc. This makes the spaces safer. But there is something missing. In all the years I have been active in sex positive-culture I have never encountered a workshop for survivors of sexual assault, I’ve never heard a discussion on how sexual avversion and sexual compulsion are frequent coping mechanisms and how you can get out of it, I’ve never once encountered even a discussion at all on healing from sexual assault from a sex positive perspective. It’s so quiet about it, that it would make you think it never happened.. The experience is silenced and this means those survivors of sexual assault who have issues to work through (many of us) feel excluded, like ”The Other”, a freak among the freaks – less liberated, less sex positive – than those who seemingly have no issues. Who love BDSM, Group sex, anonymous sex and going to sex parties. But having negative sexual experiences does not make us sex negative. And instead of being inspired by being in sex positive-spaces I have often felt excluded, uncomfortable, stressed out, pressured, too complicated, boring, not sure-footed enough in my sexuality to be sexy, AND what is worse, that if I talked about why I felt this way, and was open about my experiences I would be raining on the parade, a party pooper – and that by being open about my experiences as a survivor of rape, assaults and so much sexual harrasment, I would make people afraid of starting a sexual relationship with me. It would be a turn off. And if one feels left-out as queer sexual assault survivor in a queer community, will you be able to find any community at all?
My goal is for sex positive-spaces to become inclusive, inspirational and growing-in-your-own-tempo spaces, for survivors of sexual assault and, really, for everybody who feels they have a lot of healing to do in their sexuality. My goal is for sex positive feminism to provide a sanctuary for survivors who have been told that their life in general and especially their sexuality is over. My goal is for sex positive-spaces to expand the discussion of ”sex is not holy” to including a discussion on why sexual assault doesn’t mean your worth, your everything has been stolen from you. We have a lot of work to do. And we have to ask ourselves how we talk about sex, what assumptions are made and why we are talking about sex in the way we do.
We live in a capitalist society where we are taught to flaunt our successes and keep a happy face, while hiding our failures and negative experiences. Spend an hour scrolling through your facebook feed and you’ll understand we’re always busy reproducing this picture of us as happy and successful, making everyone feel further alone with their unhappiness and failures – although they are just as abundant as the successes – everyone just feels the dumb need to hide them… And in sex positive queerfeminist-spaces the discussions are usually: I love BDSM , I love group sex, I love sex parties, I love fisting - Not I’m insecure about my sexuality because I’ve been raped but I want to experiment slowly to find a path to healing and a space for sexuality to become an empowering and positive part of my life instead of one associated with pain and trauma. And to be truthful – while it’s lovely that people can be vocal about their love of fisting, BDSM etc. – when it’s the only way we’re discussing sex, sex positive culture turns into a very exclusive elitist place for the few. For those who are healing from trauma or from sex negative culture in general (and that is A LOT of us) it is more inspiring to hear about journeys. People who continually talk as if they’ve always just loved group sex and BDSM tend to instead make other people feel left out, boring or stressed-"why can't I be like them"? And if everyone is talking about how happy and healthy their sex life/drive is while you are dealing with triggers and dissociation and all kinds of issues - you may be happy for them (or understandably jealous and/or envious that things seem to come so easy for them), but the problem is you are not in a space that encourages you to make your voice heard.
Sex positive-culture must break taboos surrounding sexuality - when we are not talking about something it still resides in a place of shame. But to be honest, as much shame and taboos as there are surrounding BDSM and Anonymous sex, the shame and taboos surrounding sexual assault are larger and need to be worked on atleast as much in sex positive culture. Because right now everything BUT negative experiences are being discussed, when really there should be no taboos. I think that’s the road to a true sex positive world, instead of celebrating the positive experiences while putting a lid on the negative experiences. Openness and honesty always wins the race and one-dimensional must be replaced with multi-dimensional.
It is sometimes taken for granted that everybody already is, wants to become or has the same possibilities to have the sexual lifestyle that matches ”the sexpositive norm”, which means that the position of privilege works as the starting point. I would instead like to see a sex positive space where all experiences can come forth - the fears, the anxietys, the assaults, the overcomings, the pleasures, the exhilarations – the heights, the lows and most of all the depths. I want to hear more about journeys. I get much more inspired by hearing about somebodies journey to a sexuality that they are comfortable and thriving in – the hindrances, the assaults, the fears, the anxieties – The Realness that makes us human beings – it brings another depth to it – a depth that I much too often feel is lacking within sex positive spaces. It would mean that we would be creating a more mature, broadly political discussion and inclusive space in which sex positivity could flourish beyond where it is today – into a lair where we dare to expose ourselves to the beautiful power of vulnerability – and travel beyond ”the person who's fucked the most is the coolest”.
And from there we have to start discussing common coping mechanisms, without essentializing and saying that every survivor of sexual assault has to go through the same processes. We have to discuss dissociation, triggers, PTSD – like how I once realized that I had an easier time relaxing and falling asleep beside someone who had basically tried to rape me than next to someone who I had sex with, because I was used to sex as trauma, but not sex as pleasure.
Sexual avversion is a common coping mechanism – and I’ve had a long period of that behind me – and it made me feel totally alienated and stressed in sex positive-spaces and I didn’t feel like I had a forum where I could discuss it. Sexual compulsion is just as common as a coping strategy, and I’ve had shorter periods of this as well. This isn’t discussed much in sex positive-spaces, instead sex is often discussed in terms of: ”Sex is fantastic, it’s fun, the more sex you have the better”. I understand why sex is being discussed in this way, because we live in a slut-shaming world, where having sex a lot and with a lot of people, especially if you are a woman, is seen as most definitely self-destructive. We must show that it doesn’t have to be that way, that it can be about opening up to desire and pleasure. But at the same time we can not deny that it can be that way. It’s common for survivors of sexual assault to go into a self-destructive and emotionally detached mode of compulsive sexuality where you see yourself as only good for one thing: Sex - not as a whole human being. After all, that was what the abusers message was to us. And since sex positive culture rarely discusses feelings around sex and tends more to just say that SEX IS FANTASTIC – we get a space where compulsive sexuality isn’t discussed or problematized, but instead easily can become something that is celebrated. We should never judge anybody’s sexual behaviour, but by having an open, multi-dimensional discussion on all the complex (especially complex for many survivors of sexual assault) different aspects of sexuality we can create an atmosphere where people can heal and get their anxieties of off their shoulders.
We need specific sex positive spaces and workshops for survivors of sexual assault. I think one of the reasons this hasn’t been happening is that many survivors of sexual assault haven’t felt that sex positive-spaces are welcoming spaces for talking about traumas and therefore just hasn’t been for us. I wrote this text because I strongly believe that sexpositivity that includes experiences and problems that many survivors of sexual assault have, has the potential to become a fantastic and welcoming place for sexual healing and empowerment, where survivors (And many other people!) feel that we get the support and inspiration we need in order to find a sexuality that feels good, life-affirming and positive for us – no matter if that means BDSM, fisting, anonymous sex, group sex, sex with a person we have a strong emotional connection with – or all or none of the above.
More info:
Healing Sex - Staci Haines
King Kong-Theory - Virginie Despentes
Tumblr-thread on being a sex positive rape survivor
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This text is part 2 in a 5 part series on my thoughts on how sex positive-queerfeminist spaces can become broader and deeper in their politics on sex/sexuality. Part 3 will be coming soon. Here is a list of the five parts:
2. Sex positive spaces not being inclusive for survivors of sexual assault.
3. Criticism of power dynamics within sexuality
4. Femininity and Masculinity
5. Many different ways of interacting with our bodies and our emotions.
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