Where is the pause-button on life?
Why is there only stop and go
Remote controls have so many buttons
Even rewind and fastforward
Maybe it would be best to brainlessly lose myself in the world of television
When I say I don’t know how to live
It’s not my body I’m talking about
It knows the morse-code of I am I am I am all too well.
My heart beats stubbornly
And the air passes in and out of my lungs simply because it is the only thing they know.
My mind though is a place of constant chaos
From nihilistic nagging to endless euforia.
The unatainable uncontainable ambition to be... Everything, to achieve greater understanding.
Boundlessly jumping from one mutually exclusive ledge to another.
Nine lives - I still have some more bruises to take but must save two in case of birth and crucifixion.
In my head hope and bitterness fight eachother each and every day.
Who will win?
With bitterness you can defend most everything – even killing
Nihilism says it doesn’t matter anyhow
Reason says it will never change anyway.
Politically I force myself to divorce hope from reason
Yes, my heart is stubborn. It doesn’t beat with pride for being alive.
Not here. Not in this world where worse things keep happening.
Adding to the heap of the atrocities of history
Of your story.
Besides play and stop my control over my own life is not immense.
We do not own the remote or the television or the 164 channels with nothing interesting or relevant going on.
I do not wish to press stop.
I just want to press pause to stop the pressure
Finger to the button
Not one last act of desperation
That prematurally turns my lifetime over to the abyss of eternity
I call my backpack the abyss
I open it up looking for the thing I need
And suddenly its contents are spread all over the sidewalk spewing out into the road
I risk my life to chase after what is most important
And in the end I may find what I was looking for
But by than anxiety and self-hatred over the proposed supposed loss will have exhausted me
And I have no use of what I’ve found anymore because all that overwhelms me is a silent sense of relief at the verge of a precipice of great grief.
Forever alone vs.
Forever secure vs.
A free feral cat vs.
Just a mutt
When mapping out my life a partner is never part of the picture
I’m just too self-sufficient to cave in, too self-centered to compromise
But really I am not
But truly I am a much better performer and writer than lover
But really sometimes I feel as though I’ve never said anything of importance or written anything that is any good.
But truly my greatest fear is to never be able to write again – because than who am I?
And really if what I write really is no good - than who am I?
But really It’s hard to love if love has always been your greatest dissapointment.
And I can’t do with security if it holds me back
I’ll be so bored, just like in front of that television.
164 fucking channels and still, obviously, I am bored.
And I can’t do your good ole’ 9 to 5 job
Oh but I could, I could if I just stopped overanalyzing everything till I’m too tired to function.
But how could I?
And why should I?
Well well, you see, there I go again.
I am not afraid of the dark
It is so much more exciting not seeing what is in front of you.
And it is exciting to be free from fear – to go where most people won’t even set foot
I like the light
But I always ended up getting overheated at the least and burnt at the worst.
I am a better creator when I am sad or going mad
Does that mean I should stay that way?
Occupy Oakland raided by 500+ cops today
Does that mean society will stay this way?
It can’t be, because I can’t take it, but not because I can’t take it because I am not the center of the universe
I become an utter bore everytime I begin to believe that I am the first person to experience these different types of anxiety.
I do not understand
How two people brought up the same way can be so different
I try my best to respect what I do not understand and can not feel
Your sense of and longing for family
What society defines as love is marriage.
Love and marriage go to together like a horse and carriage.
I’ve never rode a horse and carriage.
Nor do I intend do.
It isn’t for family.
And only sometimes for community.
I am too preoccupied with freedom.
I want to be alone?
I had no real friends till I was 17 or 18.
You do develop peculiarities and incredible inner-strengths in that strange circumstance.
Maybe that is where the difference between us lies.
You shall marry.
I shall never know.
Biological clock telling me I must breed.
They do not exist.
This here is all there is.
Whatever this is.
What did I miss?
My head tries once again to spin around it all again.
The sense of community and justice – I love it.
It must be the solid foundation from which we all spring from.
Nuclear families are too small to be the base
Center’s of the universe are even smaller.
Community shoots, bursts and kills no people
But ego-bubbles of all shapes, sizes and sky-rises.
Till in the community we will find room for individuality beyond caring solely about what is better for me and my family.
This time it will be society.
I can do with forever alone as long as I have no one screaming in my ear ”better together”.
Click on cliché: Respect and solidarity.
System change may change my inner-workings
And my productiveness will not have a thing to do with self-destructiveness.
And my productiveness won’t even be this burning necessity because I will be satisfied with my surroundings.
You know, there is much more to a fire than just destruction.