There has been a slightly unlikely turn of events and we can now announce that Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Oprah Winfrey are travelling straight out of the closet to Sweden to perform at The Queertopia Festival – the first stop on their rainbow tour (all proceeds go to LGBT-rights)! There managements have just contacted us and confirmed this and you are the first to know, before the international press.
Now here’s the whole story straight from their managers: Celine Dion has had her eyes on Whitney Houston for years, but it wasn’t until Whitney divorced Bobby Brown three years ago that she made her move. They began seeing eachother in november 2007 and have kept there relationship top secret UNTIL NOW. However the relationship took an interesting turn when Whitney and Celine appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in september of 2009. Oprah fell for the two women and they fell for her and the rest is history.
Now you may be thinking, why didn’t they choose to come out at Pride?! Their management states that the reason for this is that their polyamory is considered too radical for Pride and after having read our new safer spaces policy (http://queertopiafestivalen.se/english/saferspaces/) the three women felt safer and better about coming to Queertopia than to The Pride Festival.
We are also happy to announce that the three superstars will be staying for the duration of the festival. These are the times for there appearances:
22nd of july 18.00: Oprah Winfrey gives the opening speech for The Queertopia Festival. Celine Dion and Whitney Houston sing to eachother their hit songs “My heart will go on” and “I will always love you”
23rd of july 22.00: Celine Dion and Whitney Houston kick off their rainbow tour with a concert together. Celine reveals that the line “There were nights of endless pleasure” was something she had to fake before she met Whitney and Oprah who introduced her to the joys of lesbian sex.
24th of july 13.00: Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Oprah Winfrey hold a workshop on polyamory: radical relationship anarchist-loving.
24th of july 16.00: Celine, Whitney and Oprah hold a workshop on BDSM. Oprah speaks from her position as a bottom, Whitney from her position as a top and Celine from her position as versatile!
In case you don’t believe us, check out these clips:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6jpNulOn2k (Celine Dion professes her love for Whitney Houston)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t46rR71hEg (Celine’s love for Whitney has been going on for a long time)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRn8SHNjmVE (this was the moment where Whitney and Oprah fell for eachother).
PS Lady Gaga and Courtney Love were also planning to show up, but those plans were spoiled when Gaga accidentally burned Love’s clit with her cigarette sunglasses. Causing a fuming Love to burn down six skyscrapers in Manhattan, send 89 text messages and set a new world record for writing the longest incoherent, ranting blogpost. In the process of her arrest Love beat up 163 police officers before finally surrendering when the government threatened to use nuclear weapons. However Gaga and Love may still be able to make it to the festival if Gaga succeeds with her plan to use the pussy wagon from the music video “Telephone” to rescue Love and drive up to Queertopia!
You don’t believe us? The following is an audio-recording from Courtney Loves fight with the police!